Crucial Conversations and Leadership

It is commonly said that having good communication skills is the key to being successful in life, and both work and personal relationships. As we try to implement change within our organizations, challenges will indubitably be present. Thankfully, the skills outlined and introduced to readers in Crucial Conversations (Patterson, et al., 2012) provides the groundwork for understanding how to approach tricky conversations that allow for the success of a team. In order to get there, we must first learn how to be self-differentiated leaders. Naturally, this self-differentiation is especially necessary during crucial conversations.

As I have started to implement my innovation plan, I have seen first-hand how challenging it is to effectively communicate and convince stakeholders, as well as other team members to join in on the change. Change always appears scary to multiple people and we typically allow change to be accompanied by feelings of anxiety. As leaders, we must know how to address the anxiety within ourselves and in others during valuable conversations.

Anxiety: the Achilles’ Heel of Leadership

As we work with others towards our Wildly Important Goals (WIGs), change will have to occur. While this happens, it is important to note as a leader that challenging conversations will have to take place. Throughout the experience of working toward a goal, we must not get involved in “emotional triangles” in which negative “viruses” easily infect and affect the way we effectively lead. We must avoid falling victim to the anxiety. I have experienced occasions in which I have found myself and others in the workplace “spiraling” down the rabbit hole of distrust and negativity the more and more we discuss negative experiences. Second-hand stress is a real thing and it is best to avoid being a “virus” that negatively affects and infects others’ spirits. So often people pile on the negativity and it makes working somewhere feel miserable and hopeless.

Some of the best leaders I’ve worked with are very hard to shake. I have seen these leaders lead well all while keeping their anxieties out of the picture. Doing so results in a team that knows how to carry on and roll with the punches. It is the most enjoyable to work with leaders that have control over their anxiety. Leaders who have non-anxious responses to conflict are good for organizations and are very enjoyable to work for. 

Negative emotions, time after time, have proven to lead us astray and make it harder to work together toward our goals. I have experienced this first hand many, many times. Thankfully, Crucial Conversations does an excellent job of outlining the steps to take while having these crucial conversations, where anxieties often run high and our innate cave-people “fight or flight” responses run rampant.

Steps to Having a Successful Crucial Conversation:

1. Start with the Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make it Safe
4. Master my Stories
5. STATE my Path
6. Explore Others’ Paths
7. Move to Action

Step 1: Start with the Heart

As we have been doing from the start, people are emotional creatures that need stories and a “Why”. In the book, Crucial Conversations, the authors remind the readers that we must start with our own hearts. “The best way to work on ‘us’ is to start with ‘me'” ( Patterson, et al., 2012, p. 35). Having the correct motive behind entering into a conversation and staying focused on that motive is crucial to being successful during a conversation. We have to focus on what we really want in a conversation that is important.

The book, Crucial Conversations, encourages us to ask these the following questions while preparing for a crucial conversation:

“What do I really want for myself?

What do I really want for others?

What do I really want for the relationship?” (Patterson, et al., 2012, p. 43)

As we are conversing, we must also refuse to make “the fool’s choice” of believing that we must make a choice between losing or winning, or maintaining peace or honesty, etc. (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 49). As we work toward finding the “and”, we can clarify what we do and do not want, as well as ask our brains to begin searching for options that are healthy to bring to dialogue.

Step 2: Learn to Look

You may be asking, “Look for what?”. When in crucial conversations, we must be aware of what is really going on. We must be cautious and we also need to look at the content and conditions of the conversation. We need to be aware of when things officially become “crucial” and when we have safety problems.

Additionally, we need to be cognizant of if people involved in the conversation are moving towards either silence or violence. In the book, they discussed “Style Under Stress” in which they included a quiz readers could take to determine how they typically react to stress in conversations. This quiz is a helpful resource to help leaders to become aware of their natural, and sometimes negative, inclinations during crucial conversations. Moving forward, I am more aware how I typically respond during conversations. This self-awareness is a valuable characteristic of an effective leader.

Step 3: Make it Safe

We need to build a safe place in order for people to successfully enter into crucial conversations. We must restore safety prior to addressing the issue. Sometimes this may require us to step out of the focus of the conversation, establish or determine which condition of safety is at risk: Is it mutual purpose or mutual respect? Teammates must feel respected and trust our motives. They must also see that we care about shared goals. If necessary, this may require some apologies. In order to then fix the misunderstanding, we can use contrasting by explaining first what we do mean and then what we do not mean.

Eventually, we can work toward returning to our mutual purpose. We have to do reference what the book refers to as CRIB: “commit to seek mutual purpose, recognize the purpose behind the strategy, invent a mutual purpose, and brainstorm new strategies” (Patterson et al, 2012, p. 102). I am reminded why it is important we involve the team in the creation of WIGs and that we start with the heart first, so that everyone truly feels a mutual purpose and has ownership over why we must successfully work together. The “why” behind a change, again, is so very valuable.

Step 4: Master My Stories

Sometimes we have to retrace our paths and notice if we are getting stuck by reacting with either silence or violence. We need to be in touch with our feelings and identify the emotions behind our stories. What type of story are we writing? We need to analyze our stories by questioning our conclusions and seeking out other possible explanations behind our stories. Then, we need to get back to looking at the facts. What is a hard fact? What did we just invent? What evidence do we have of that? Occasionally we will find that “victim, villain, and helpless stories sit at the top of the list” for what story we are actually painting (Patterson, et al., 2012, p. 130).

Lastly, we can tell the rest of our stories. The book encourages us to ask:

“Am I pretending to not notice my role in the problem?

Why would a resaonable, rational, and decent person do this?

What do I really want?

What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?”

(Patterson et al., 2012, p. 130)

Step 5: STATE My Path

While we are having crucial conversations about goals we are passionate about, it is common for us to want to push really hard because we believe our “rightness”. However, we still need to find a way to speak honestly without offending others. In order to do so, we must be brave, show humility, and have the skill to be able to in dialogue. Additionally, we may also have times when we we have tough messages to share with others on our team. When this happens, we are advised to STATE our paths. The book has come up with a handy acronym to help us approach these situations. They encourage us to “Share our facts, Tell your story, Ask for others’ paths, Talk tentatively, and Encourage testing” (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 154).

State 6: Explore Others’ Paths

For me personally, listening is one of the most challenging aspects of having a hard conversation. As leaders, we need to support others in leaving their silence and violence behind, and instead promote dialogue that allows for a true “free-flow of meaning” (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 154). Being both patient and expressing curiosity helps others feel safe within a conversation.

Once that is done, we can:

• Ask questions to start showing others that you truly express interest in what they have to say.
• Mirror others to confirm their feelings. It is important to increase safety by recognizing the emotions people are feeling. This is something I’ve seen done frequently by counselors.
• Paraphrase what others are saying in order to acknowledge their stories. Using others’ language while restating what we are hearing shows not only that we understand, but that they are safe to share their thoughts.
• Prime. If we see we aren’t getting anywhere and that the fight or flight choices are surfacing, we sometimes will need to vocalize our best guess regarding what others are thinking.

As we share our views, it is always wise to agree when we have shared views, build on those shared views, and compare our the differing views when having different views.

Step 7: Move to Action

The last step is to move the conversations and allow them to result in unified actions. To do so, we need to decide how to decide. Moving forward, we need a plan. In order to choose which way to decide how to decide, we need to ask these four important questions: “Who cares? Who knows? Who must agree? How many people is it worth involving?” (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 183).

The methods recommended for the decision-making process are as follows:

1. Command. Some decisions must be made by a clear authority figure who is empowered to make the final determination.
2. Consult. Sometimes, input is needed to best decide on making a final decision. It is important to notes how there are differences between asking for opinions and acting on what every person recommends. When asking for opinions, there will always be multiple ideas and points of view expressed during a consultation.
3. Vote. The democratic classic. The agreed-upon percentage determines the final decision.
4. Consensus. Coming to a consensus probably takes the longest and leads to most compromises being made or agreed upon. With a consensus, everyone must be in agreement.

Once leaders have chosen the way a decision is made, we need to ensure follow-through exists. We must decide “who does what by when”. The expectations for follow-through need to be perfectly clear. People need to be held accountable. This honestly leads to a great place to enter the WIG (Wildly Important Goal).

In order to be an effective leader, we must know how to address crucial conversations. I look forward to now having these tools in my back pocket for when I need to have crucial conversations. I know crucial conversations will happen frequently as I enter into my role as a leader on my campus and implement my innovation plan.

Resources

Camp, J. (2010, November 10). Friedman’s Theory of Differentiated Leadership Made Simple. [YouTubeVideo]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew&feature=youtu.be

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. Columbus, OH: McGraw Hill.